This Day

Three years ago I traveled to Las Vegas, NV from Tucson, AZ to attend my cousins wedding...not knowing that it would also be the last time I would see my mother alive.

This day still haunts me because of how I felt when I saw her for the brief 15-20 minutes. So much pain still surrounds me that it's almost unbearable. I had no idea she would be gone exactly 2 weeks later.

How I wish she was still here and how I wish I would have taken more time with her on that trip, instead I held on to the anger and resentment and allowed it to rob me of time. I swore I would not live life with regrets but this one just won't let go.

August is a hard month for me, it reminds me that PTSD is still alive and well within me and doing this without being medicated is one of the most challenging experiences of my life. I am grateful that I have good in my life because it allows me to switch my focus from the pain that threatens my every thought or move.

Even though I know psychologically what's wrong and the tools to change it, somehow they allude me when I need them the most. I can tell myself that it's okay, that the grieving process doesn't just stop after a certain amount of time, that what I'm feeling is "normal" (whatever that is!), and that this too shall pass in time. Time heals all wounds, right?

The lesson from this day is not to let yourself be robbed of time with someone you love even if you're angry, ask yourself if the anger is worth it just to protect yourself? Ask yourself why are you really angry and can you forgive? That's the tricky part about anger, you feel wronged because of something someone else has done, you want retribution or an apology, or some sort of acknowledgment that the other person knows they were wrong, but what if they don't give that to you? It doesn't mean you have to forget, but find a way to forgive them or yourself so that you can move on.

I'm still learning how to do that, but it is one of the most valuable lessons that life will ever teach. And it is possible to do, you just have to want too. Sounds pretty simple right? It's not, it's hard and it takes work and practice and patience, but it can be done because even though I'm still learning I've also experienced it. Every experience is different and takes just as much time to get through as the last, sometimes longer, but in the end it's worth it.

So here's to a little more time, a little more patience, and holding onto the good to get through the rough spots in this game full of lessons called Life.