Bubble World

Sometimes I wish I could live in a bubble....my own little bubble world. It would have peace and harmony, everyone would get along, we would have farming and trades, and we wouldn't have to worry or fear for anything. There wouldn't be a monetary system, there wouldn't be gold or silver, and we would be free thinkers. There wouldn't be a box of religion spouting hate and fear, there wouldn't be dueling classes of government, there would be enough for everyone. It would be hard work, but rewarding at the end of everyday. We wouldn't have to worry about illnesses or rapists or pedophiles or disease or addictions.

In my bubble world we wouldn't be slaves to debt. Education is free, Ben proved that to me. Yet I am 30k in debt for a only a very small degree because the for-profit educational system has screwed me. In my bubble world teachers would be heroes.

In my bubble world we would not be dependent upon oil, we would have an free energy, sustainable energy. We wouldn't have contaminated oceans, rivers, and streams. We wouldn't fear drought or famine.

In my bubble world..we would be free from fear.............

Time

The funny thing about time is that it's rumored to heal all wounds and that if you have enough of it you can get things done.... what if time doesn't exist?

There are days when it seems time flies by so fast, you blink and next thing you know a year has gone by.... but when you look back you can account for the time you spent. I feel like some days my memories are so crisp and clear that its almost like time can stand still.

I haven't physically seen or held my son in over a year. To write that out loud makes me want to stop and run away and hide under a rock and pretend that all that time didn't actually pass. But you can't run from time or truth.

The truth is....I miss my boy. I have missed an entire year of his life, it's halloween #2 that I've missed, it'll be Christmas #2 that I'll miss, and birthday #2 that I'll miss this year. Coming to terms with that on a daily basis is not an easy task but when I wake up in the morning I know that even though he's far away I don't love him any less. I just wish I didn't have to miss so much. I wish that every time I think of him it didn't feel like a knife stabbing me in the heart and a rock forming in my throat. I do my best and I hold together pretty well every day, but the more holidays approach the harder it becomes.

That's the funny thing about time I guess...while it does heal some wounds and it does bring to you things you never thought you'd have like true love, it can also leave you missing those you love that are not with you...........

Going in a Different Direction

When I started this blog I decided I was going to write about psych stuff..hence the paper I posted last week. While it's fun for me to go back and read what I wrote and feel as though I sound super smart, it kind of makes for a boring read. So let's try humanizing this a bit shall we....

Hi, I'm Mesa, a real, living, breathing human, who happens to be a mom, a friend, girlfriend, and passionate psychology major.

My blog is titled My Life as a Psych Experiment because that is precisely how it feels at times. If there is a God up there and everything is already planned then he has one hell of a plan for me and mostly everyone I know. The "plan" to me feels like a series of experiments that are set up to see how people react to life and notes are being taken so that when the next batch of experiments are hatched maybe it'll be done differently.

For example, based on my experiences maybe the next plan won't include crazy parents? I know, I know, if I hadn't had the experiences or lived the particular life I've lived than I wouldn't be the ME that I am today. So, I digress.

I am extraordinary, wonderful, beautiful, loving, kind, empathetic, sympathetic, funny, smart, stubborn, anxious, angry, sad, happy, and capable of handling almost anything. I am super-woman and fallible all at the same time. I am perfect and gloriously flawed, as is everyone else I know. My better half asked me last night if I thought that even the worst people have a human side and I said 100% yes..even serial killers have friends. No one is born bad/evil, that is a myth to me. We are born with certain traits, yes, but we are largely shaped by our environments whether we like it or not.

I struggle sometimes with the ways of the world and the injustices that take place. I struggle with how my daughter is treated by other kids who don't know the damage or power of words that they think are harmless. I struggle with thinking that I am not a good parent because I am not with them full time. Like I said, I am flawed, but I am not a terrible parent or horrid human being. I am just human.

Maybe only a few people will read this and maybe no one will, why does it matter? It doesn't, I have a voice and I want to share it with the world just because. So, from here on out my psych experiment will consist of me and my human side not just the intellectual. So welcome to my life as a psychological experiment, may you be inspired to conduct an experiment of your own!

Erikson's Theory- My life stage (an academic paper from 2010)

Erikson’s Life Stages

The eight life stages that Erikson has theorized are stages that build upon one another, starting with infancy and ending in the death of one’s life. Erikson’s theory was influenced by Freud; however, where Freud’s theory was psychosexual, Erikson’s theory is psychosocial. The psychosocial stage I am currently in is stage seven, the generativity versus stagnation or self-absorption; this stage asks the question of “how can I fashion gift” (McAdams, 2006). Fashioning a gift refers to the question of what do I want to leave behind as a legacy so to speak. This stage typically occurs during middle adulthood; I am currently 31 years of age.

I believe that I am at this stage because as of late I have begun to ask myself the very question of what do I want to be remembered for? I am a mother and I am teaching my children new things everyday intentionally, such as potty training my son, and unintentionally, such as expressing anger in front of my children over trivial things like inconsiderate drivers. Erikson’s life stage of generativity has seven features which are as follows; cultural demand- developmental expectations and societal opportunities; inner desire-symbolic immortality and the need to be needed; concern for the next generation; belief in humanity; commitment- goals and decisions; action- creating, maintaining, and offering; finally, narration- the generativity script within the life story (McAdams, 206).

Of these seven features I believe that I am expressing my inner desire, as well as, concern for the next generation. Because I have begun to shift my focus to more the helper inside of me and constantly have the feeling of wanting to live forever my children, I am also active within my community in terms of volunteering for charity. I think that the change in my perspective came when I moved to a new state where I knew no one and was forced to break out of my shell. The environment and community of people in this city helped break me out of the stagnation that I had been in while living in Arizona. Sometimes a drastic change is needed to pull a person, such as myself, out of a rut.

The change I have spoken of has also taken place within one of my very close friends of the last 25 years. While she is also in her 30’s she is currently in the sixth stage which is intimacy versus isolation. She has been in this stage for quite sometime, always asking the question “how can I love” (McAdams, 2006). She has been consciously seeking the answer to this question for as long as I have known her. After her divorce and her move from Nevada to Virginia, she began to realize the importance of establishing her identity before finding the way to love. Erikson’s sixth stage also has four intimacy statuses; intimate, preintimate, stereotyped, and isolate. She is currently in a truly intimate relationship with a man who has helped her learn how to trust once again.

The main idea of Erikson’s stages is also to show polarization in people and how to balance the two extremes, whether it’s intimacy versus isolation or generativity versus self-absorption. In order to progress successfully through the stages the balance must be found, which entails determining the question and then finding the answer. I learned through teaching my children that the gift of knowledge and love will ensure my immortality, does this mean I am ready to move to the final stage? No. I still have much more to learn, much more to teach, and more good to do in the world.

References

McAdams, D. (2006). The person: A new introduction to personality psychology. (4th ed.). Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.

This Day

Three years ago I traveled to Las Vegas, NV from Tucson, AZ to attend my cousins wedding...not knowing that it would also be the last time I would see my mother alive.

This day still haunts me because of how I felt when I saw her for the brief 15-20 minutes. So much pain still surrounds me that it's almost unbearable. I had no idea she would be gone exactly 2 weeks later.

How I wish she was still here and how I wish I would have taken more time with her on that trip, instead I held on to the anger and resentment and allowed it to rob me of time. I swore I would not live life with regrets but this one just won't let go.

August is a hard month for me, it reminds me that PTSD is still alive and well within me and doing this without being medicated is one of the most challenging experiences of my life. I am grateful that I have good in my life because it allows me to switch my focus from the pain that threatens my every thought or move.

Even though I know psychologically what's wrong and the tools to change it, somehow they allude me when I need them the most. I can tell myself that it's okay, that the grieving process doesn't just stop after a certain amount of time, that what I'm feeling is "normal" (whatever that is!), and that this too shall pass in time. Time heals all wounds, right?

The lesson from this day is not to let yourself be robbed of time with someone you love even if you're angry, ask yourself if the anger is worth it just to protect yourself? Ask yourself why are you really angry and can you forgive? That's the tricky part about anger, you feel wronged because of something someone else has done, you want retribution or an apology, or some sort of acknowledgment that the other person knows they were wrong, but what if they don't give that to you? It doesn't mean you have to forget, but find a way to forgive them or yourself so that you can move on.

I'm still learning how to do that, but it is one of the most valuable lessons that life will ever teach. And it is possible to do, you just have to want too. Sounds pretty simple right? It's not, it's hard and it takes work and practice and patience, but it can be done because even though I'm still learning I've also experienced it. Every experience is different and takes just as much time to get through as the last, sometimes longer, but in the end it's worth it.

So here's to a little more time, a little more patience, and holding onto the good to get through the rough spots in this game full of lessons called Life.

Lemons Anyone?

When life gives you lemons...don't make lemonade..THROW THEM AT SOMEONE! At least that's my motto.

I have recently discovered that my school is in jeopardy because it is a for profit school and the EDMC who owns them is currently being sued for fraudulent behavior...i.e.. stealing 11 BILLION DOLLARS over the last 8 years in financial aid from students who had NO BUSINESS being at any of these schools, but were duped into going with false hopes and promises of a better job, better life..blah..blah..blah..

So naturally I am angry and sad because I have been duped myself. Duped into thinking that I could somehow get a quality education in an online environment, from a for profit school. I was wrong. Not the first time I've been wrong and won't be the last I'm sure. However, I still have hope because I am going to re-apply to Penn State and try again in the Spring of 2012. It may take me longer than I expected but not by much if I go to summer school too. I am highly motivated to graduate asap. Only one person knows why really..ehhem (his initials are BFJ) :).

So, for now my school days are on hold; however, my education is not, because I continue to learn everyday whether it's a life lesson or something Ben is teaching me such as art, music, philosophy, or how to see and count.

Yes, that's right- he's teaching me how to truly see and it's amazing. When you can even just glimpse the world through the eyes of an artist, you are never ever the same. For this reason I constantly say that I am the luckiest woman on Earth.

Annoyed with myself

Start..stop...start...stop...

That's what I keep doing when I sit down to write. What is my issue? What- just because I'm not into the mommy shenanigans as much I feel like I can't blog anymore? As if my thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of a psych degree aren't worthy of being heard? My emotional roller coaster ride needs to let me off now, please and thank you.

Depression...kindly go back into your hole!

Panic attacks....do us all a favor and stay away...far, far away...

Oh and this bipolar disorder business, you can go suck it!

There! I feel somewhat better having gotten that off of my chest or shoulders, whichever you prefer. Aside from the craziness that resides in my brain, my life is good, really, really good. I have love, how many people can raise their hand and jump up and down for that? **Ohhh me, me, me!! I can! I can! I can! insert jumping up and down**

Recently had a discussion about love with my love (that's lots of love in that sentence), he stated that love isn't always enough when it comes to the rest of the world, for us it is, but as he mildly puts it..it doesn't pay the bills. If everyone had love, real true love, bot pseudo/crazy unrealistic expectations type love, then it is my belief that the world would be a much better place, people would ultimately be happier and thus would be more productive. Now, I could be wrong about that, but it just seems that when people are really truly happy abundance seems to follow.

There is a flip-side to that though, the criminals that steal seem to have abundance and no happiness. Money doesn't equate happiness, nor does love equate to money, they are two totally separate things. Maybe I'm looking at it from a state of mind perspective. But then again just thinking in a positive manner doesn't always equate money to pay bills either. So, how do I or you, reconcile between the two? Can you have both or is it one over the other?

Can love be enough? The forever optimist inside me says yes! Love is always enough and it's what life is about and what connects us all. So, with that thought free floating, I will stop being annoyed with myself, commit to writing more than once every two months, and go spend the rest of this day with my one true love.

Addressing The Why's

How did I get here in front of you?

In 2008 I experienced a profound loss that changed my life forever- I lost my mother to suicide. The days that followed her death were shrouded in a darkness that I thought would never end. If it had not been for my children, friends, and family I may have been tempted to join her. After the fog of despair lifted I began to see a bit more clearly, I joined a few suicide support groups and found solace in online chat rooms full of survivors like myself. At the two month mark I made a decision to go back to school- my major? Psychology, of course. My family history is ripe with all kinds of psychological dysfunctions- addiction, suicide, bipolar disorder, depression, etc.. If it's in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders), chances are it's somewhere in my family tree. I could give all the gory details, but I've decided-not yet.

So, after all the stuff I've lived through, naturally I question- why? Why did I live through it? Why did I find strength to overcome odds? Why do I do the things I do? Why do other's do what they do? The truth is everyone's answer is different. Everyone, myself included, is motivated to behave or think, by different factors. Some of us are motivated intrinsically, we have something on the inside that keeps us moving. Other's are motivated extrinsically, outside forces keep those moving forward, i.e. money, career, peers. What I'm learning about these questions is that the answers to them are not a one-size-fits-all, but there are a few commonalities. Generally speaking, a good portion of people are at some point in their lives, motivated by love and/or fear.

Which one is more dominant? And why?

Here is some food for thought...From Meg Selig author of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success, "According to a large-scale health survey done by the Edelman agency, parental love motivated 25% of respondents to change health habits.

A group of researchers led by Arthur Aron examined the parts of the brainactivated by romantic love. They found that romantic love is associated with reward and goal-seeking regions of our gray matter. Their conclusion: "...rather than being a specific emotion, romantic love is better characterized as a motivation or goal-oriented state that leads to various specific emotions such as euphoria or anxiety." Yes indeed, love is a motivator."

Based on this tid bit of information, we can see a little bit of how love can motivate someone. So let's see how fear does.

These statistics are related to those who worry/are fearful and what they're most afraid of, it also was taken from a website that is trying to sell identity theft protection. But again an example of fear based motivation.

What a huge difference between how love or chance of it can motivate and how fear can motivate.

So again, I ask- what are your thoughts on dominance- love or fear?